My 3 day Juice Cleanse (Blog)
My 3 Day Juice Cleanse (Blog)
Juice only for 3 days
They made it sound so simple on their website!
So I figured I would kick off the new year with a new challenge - I like to challenge myself every once in a while and I’ve read that a 3 day cleanse is "supposed to be good for you".
I scanned the internet with gusto, looking for the cheapest one with good reviews, not because I’m a cheapskate, mostly because that’s just how I roll! In any search for an online purchase, I’m not too proud to click ‘Price range: Lowest to highest’. I’m not trying to impress a single soul.
Found it! I found a good deal with a brand called Nutriseed. The 3 day cleanse was priced at £69.99 whilst the 5 day cleanse was priced at £99.99. I didn’t fancy my chances at 5 days without any food so I ordered the £69.99 package. As soon as the payment was made I felt a sense of superiority come over me. Here I am, paying good money for the absolute betterment of my health. How many people go out of their way to become healthier?? Not many! People are stuffing their faces in this Christmas period, but here I am, pursuing more health! This went on for a few days, going around announcing it to my nearest and dearest.
‘Nah, won’t be taking any leftovers home. I’m on a juice fast from tomorrow…. yeah, just focusing on my health really. Thanks anyway!’
I completely understand why vegans are the way they are.
The day is here! 15 bottles of juice arrive at my house with instructions to put them in the freezer upon arrival. I sized up the bottles to find they were a lot smaller than I’d imagined. I’d been drinking random smoothies to prepare myself for this day. The smoothies I’d been drinking were like 750ml and were quite filling so I thought it would be a walk in the park. Suddenly the reality of this mission had become apparent.
I’m supposed to survive on this?
Taking the piss…
I wake up in the morning slightly anxious about my new life, my new pure soul and the clear bowels that await me. I scan the bottles for my first juice of the day, completely forgetting they’re already numbered; so I grab the bottle with the giant number one on the front - ‘Clarity’.
The instructions state I need to have started preparing myself for the diet a few days prior. I’m taken aback at the sight of these words because I treated my last night before the fast as if I was going to jail in the morning. I ate heavily all day long, chocolates, lasagne and other delicious things as it was presently Friday and I knew the next time I’d eat properly would be Tuesday. The panic set in as I was now here, my cold pressed juices were defrosted. “Get your clear bowels Trav,” my mind whispered.
The instructions stated I should start my day with warm water with lemon juice and sweeten it with Manuka honey, so I go ahead. I use a bit too much honey and mind you, it isn’t Manuka but Manucan’t tell (see what I did there…BARS!).
10am I drink my first bottle of juice… aah I’m feeling good. It was nice; a lot of carrot in this one. I’m sure I’m supposed to sip the juice but honestly I downed it, felt like the right thing to do.
12pm Time for another juice, this one is by far the most aggressive thing I’ve ever tasted. It’s called ‘Neon’ and it tastes exactly how you’d imagine a neon light to taste - like lemon juice. And I don’t mean the sweet lemonade stuff - I mean cut a lemon in half and squeeze that into your mouth (PAUSE!). I’m now doubting this whole mission...what have I actually done?? Why did I sign up for this??
I’VE HAD ENOUGH!
The juices aren't all bad, but bloody ell do I miss food! It’s 6pm and it feels like I’ve been in some weird trance. I feel light headed, I can just about think without losing concentration. NBA 2K on the PS4 is all I can manage mentally at this point. The hunger is getting slightly easier to manage but all I can see on social media is people preparing food, posts about food and I hate everyone.
I figured I should get things into perspective, mainly because, I’m either going to go crazy or I’m going to waste my money, and the risk of wasting my money on the first day was too serious to ignore. I quickly realised that this is a mind game. I wasn’t hungry (I bloody was), this was all in my mind, so I tried to focus my mind and not succumb to weaknesses of the flesh.
So after watching the documentaries on R Kelly (he’s a proper dickhead by the way, I hope that sick man gets brought up on charges and put in jail because that is absolutely what he deserves) , it was time to go to sleep. The idea of going to sleep hungry was crazy, I’ve had my last bottle of juice which was mostly beetroot, celery and apple (it tasted almost entirely like celery). I downed a litre of water and made my way to bed.
I wake up nice and fresh - I’m actually not feeling too bad. The cutting feelings of hunger have slightly passed. I occasionally feel like I have a bit of energy so I try to shadowbox but quickly feel depleted. This lack of food had killed my energy big time, getting up from the sofa had begun to feel like a real job. The only thing keeping this ship going was distraction, so back to the PS4 I go. I knew things were tough because I was now losing - Lebron James goes down with an injury at the beginning of the new season!
However, I’m in good spirits. I go through my juices, I’m really appreciating the quality. It gets to around 7pm and I hit a wall ladies ‘n gentlemen. I’m feeling light headed, I’m feeling stressed, I’m irritable… everything is just annoying now. I’m sipping water religiously but I actually don’t feel good. I’m trying to convince myself that this is normal and I’m not far from the end now, but I’m fed up! I think my lack of preparation for this fast had caught up with me, or maybe I had just had enough. The juices are all starting to taste the same except for that Neon one, because whoever’s idea that juice was needs to get in the ring with Anthony Joshua with no gum shield.
I’m delirious, I’m snappy and I’m walking around really slowly. I whispered to myself, “Trav, come on you’ve absolutely got what it takes to do this” and myself actually replied “Fam, speak for yourself”.
I’ve never got a reply from myself like that before, I thought maybe it was time to call it a day but I refuse to admit I’m tapping out. I’m now thinking “is this even healthy?” The truth is, I’m looking for a legit way out and oh boy did I find it.
I hit the Googles and it absolutely saved me (side note, Google doesn’t always save you. I once Googled a cold and before I knew it, I had written a will) . I saw that most doctors don’t recommend juice diets, they actually listed reasons why I shouldn’t do it. It slows metabolism, not great for your liver, blood sugar rises which interferes with your natural level of insulin and all things of that nature. The deal breaker was the lack of fibre in your diet could lead to CONSTIPATION! I don’t have any time to be constipated! Nope! I’m a working comic - I can’t afford to be blocked up, so for the good of my career it is best I get out of this madness! Also, at any moment I could get a call for an audition, so I thought it’s time. Deep down in my heart I could have probably finished it but I learned a valuable lesson!
Don’t. Force. Anything. In. Life!
Because in life, some things look like they’ll be fun or useful and the truth is they are… but for other people. I’m not the juice fast guy, that’s what I learned here. So what I’m trying to say is, I’m trying to find an inspiring angle for this seemingly complete waste of time.
I also discovered that I’m really happy I’m not a vegan, nothing to do with veggies but I just think I’d be a really annoying person. So yeah, thanks for reading if you made it this far!